Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
