I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
