I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
