As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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