if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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