I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
