The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
