I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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