guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
