I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
