Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
