Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
