it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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