im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
