i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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