my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she looked like the before picture.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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