I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
