it wasn't lemon gatorade
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
