No awkward lesbian experiences without me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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