My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
