so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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