Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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