What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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