I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think your dad took our porno
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
