Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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