I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
