Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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