I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
