I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
