If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
They took my balls.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
