good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
