I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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