My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
