man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
