I wish I could punch you in the face.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
