she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
