Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
