i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
