I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize