every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
why do cheetos always look like penises
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
