Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize