yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
