cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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