I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
