She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
