Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this boner is exhausting
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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