ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize