i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
