I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
