Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
