can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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