That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
