he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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