i just google imaged poop.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
