I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
