did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
