she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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