"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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